Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

I had already finished my packing the earlier day with some minor leftovers for the last minute. Dad’s got office. Prepared breakfast and had it too. My train (to Bangalore) is at 11:45 AM and his (to Delhi) at 5:30 PM. Army Chief “Deepak Kapoor” was visiting AFMC. Dad left. I rushed back and forth in the rooms recollecting if I’ve missed something to put in my bags. Dad came back early (got me a bottle of hand sanitiser) and we prepared meals for the travel.

As it happens with most of the parents, they load their child with almost everything in their capacity without realising that their kid needs to carry all this. Ditto situation and the same question. How do I carry this stuff now? But my dad is never short of ideas – ideas driven by common sense. Why not? Being in Army, he has been doing all this packing, packaging and pulling for around 35 years now. Result -> I had the heaviest of luggages and I was the most confortable carrying it.

Left the house.
We are sitting on the back seat of the auto to railway station but not talking much. But we are looking at each other in between through the rear-view mirror. We’d be departing in opposite directions today.

Reach station. Enter train.
I was thinking that I am the first one to enter the compartment until I noticed a 50-something uncle sitting on the upper berth holding his undergarments in front of the AC. Gosh! What’s he doing? Is he putting a filter for the air to come out? Nah! he is trying to dry these. After a struggle of some 10-15 mins (how long could he hold these in hands?), he tied his lingerie stuff to the pegs around him. Better than before, but still! Others have entered in but might not have noticed (busy in setting their luggage) the display of his stuff. I got up and suggested him that it’ll take more time for these to dry under AC, better take it outside and spread your “Andar ki Baat” things under the fan outside the compartment. Perhaps he liked the idea, unpegged them and moved out. Good!

Start the train and the phone calls. Grrr… everyone is talking about swine flu. “Put on a mask”, “Take Tamiflu”, “Cover your nose”, “Don’t touch your face” etc. etc.
The longest phone calls since… I don’t know when. But never had I talked for so long that my hand set heats up. This time I could feel the warmth of the phone as well as of the ‘S’ and ‘P’ on the other side. Yeah, a conference call. Signal was coming and going, but the call went on, battery dying but the call went on. For around 2 hrs.

Dinner time. Sleep time.

After 2-3 rounds of increasing the temperature of the AC, the people were still feeling cold. The oldies asked for the AC to be switched off. Damn! Why are they travelling in AC coach if they can’t live with it? I couldn’t sleep the whole night and managed to catch some sleep only in the morning hours.

Reached Bangalore half asleep. Got surrounded by the auto-wallahs and coolies as I got down but I was in no mood to let them carry. As I am walking out of platform 1, 3-4 auto-wallahs are following me. A routine talk with these guys:

Auto Driver: Where sir?
Me: Electronic City.
Auto Driver: [Almost holding my luggage] हाँ, जायेगा ना. चलो बैठो.
Me: कितना?
Auto Driver: ज्यादा नहीं लगेगा सर.
Me: [मेरे पास ज्यादा हैं ही नहीं देने के लिए…] फिर भी कितना?
Auto Driver: 300 दे दो सर.
Me: [Ha Ha! I have only 250 in my purse!] बहुत ज्यादा है.
Auto Driver: ज्यादा कहाँ सर! बहुत दूर है. अच्छा चलो 270.
Me: [पर अंकल इतने पैसे ही नहीं हैं, बाकि क्या कपडे उतार लोगे?] 200.
Auto Driver: क्या सर. इतना दूर है और वहां से खाली रिटर्न आना है. कोई सवारी नहीं मिलेगी. 250 दे दो. [Got hold of one of my bags]
Me: [एक तो ये सामान वैसे ही काफी भारी है, ऊपर से तू भी लटक जा!] 200 से ज्यादा नहीं हैं मेरे पास. प्रीपेड ऑटो स्टैंड किधर है?
Auto Driver: सर, मीटर से चलो. Meter one-and-half.
Me: मैं बस में चला जाऊंगा. सिर्फ 20 रुपये लगेंगे और बस को रिटर्न खाली नहीं आना पड़ेगा.
Auto Driver: बस नहीं मिलेगी यहाँ से.
Me: [बेटा मैं पहली बार नहीं आया हूँ यहाँ!] [I start walking. He is left behind.] ओह! नहीं मिलेगी? कोई नहीं अंकल जी, Thank You. मैं पैदल ही चला जाऊंगा. :)

Dragged my luggage from railway station to bus station (Majestic) via an under road subway. Got the AC volvo (could not get AC in the train, atleast here). 45 Rs and I am there. Wohoo! I am thinking – Good that the auto driver didn’t agree to my offer of 200 Rs. :)

बचपन में एक चुटकुला सुना था। एक गाँव में जब भी कोई बूढा गुज़र जाता था, तो गाँव के स्कूल में एक दिन की छुट्टी कर दी जाती थी। एक बार दो दोस्त सुबह सुबह स्कूल जा रहे थे, तो एक गली में दो बूढे ताश खेल रहे थे। एक दोस्त बोलता है, "देख मोहन, अपनी दो छुट्टियाँ पत्ते खेल रही हैं।"

अचानक ये चुटकुला क्यों याद आया?

रविवार को मैं सब्जी लेने गया, तो रस्ते में ऐसा ही कुछ देखा। एक प्राईमरी स्कूल के बाहर दो बच्चे बात कर रहे थे। अचानक कुछ सूअर वहां से गुज़रे। एक गिनती करने लगा। और फिर दुसरे को कहता है, "ओये देख, ८-८ स्वाइन फ्लू ! अपनी एक महीने की छुट्टी होने वाली है।" उसके चेहरे पर वैसी ही स्माइल थी जैसी की दर्शील सफारी की थी जब वो "३ X ९ = ३" लिख कर खुश होता है। जो भी है, नादान बच्चे, अपनी ही दुनिया है। पर ये तो अच्छा है की इनको ये पता है की ये स्वाइन फ्लू शुरू कैसे हुआ? पुणे की यही बात ख़ास है - यहाँ के लोग (बच्चे भी) बहुत जागरूक हैं। पर बच्चों कि बात सुन कर, सूअरों ने भी आपस में बात कि होगी - "देखो बच्चों को भी पता चल गया। ये सब साला मेक्सिको के सूअरों ने किया, और इल्जाम हम पर लग रहा है। अब भैया गेहूं के साथ घुन तो पिसेगा ही !"

माहौल अचानक बदल सा गया है।

लोग मास्क पहन कर घूम रहे हैं।

कॉलेज के छात्र ऐसी बातें करते हुए मिल जायेंगे - "अगर फलां टीचर ने मुझे इस बार अच्छे नंबर नहीं दिए तो उसके मुंह पर जा कर छींक दूंगा।"

छात्र अपने मास्टरों के मुंह पर छींकना चाहते हैं, सॉफ्टवेर इंजिनेयर अपने मैनेजर के मुंह पर और मैनेजर लोग शायद अपने मैनेजरों के मुंह पर।" इस बार अगर अप्रैज़ल अच्छा नहीं किया, तो मैनेजर जी गए।"

लोगों में छीन्कासुर प्रवृति (भस्मासुर से प्रेरित) आ गयी है। दुश्मनी निकालने का अच्छा तरीका है।

मास्क जो कि सिर्फ डॉक्टर लोग पहनते थे, वो भी सिर्फ ऑपरेशन करते समय, अब हर कोई पहन रहा है।

लड़कियां अपने सूट से मैचिंग कलर के मास्क खरीद रही हैं। अब सूट से मैचिंग लिपस्टिक तो नहीं दिखेगी, मास्क ही सही।

पहले गर्लफ्रेंड-ब्वॉयफ्रेंड मोटर बाइक पर ऐसे बैठते थे कि बस क्या बताएं (दो के बैठने के लिए पर्याप्त जगह होती है, पर न पीछे वाली सीट फिर भी खाली, दोनों के बैठने के बावजूद), अब थोडी सामाजिक स्वीकार्य दूरी बना कर रखते हैं। (Now, Love is not in the air, Swine Flu is in the air...)

सब एक दुसरे को "स्वाइन फ्लू" भरी नज़रों से देख रहे हैं। इंसान इंसान से डर रहा है। पहले भी डरता था, पर पहले सिर्फ आतंकवादियों या ससुराल वालों से डरता था, अब हर तीसरे इंसान से डर लगता है।

लोग जप रहे हैं कि हे भगवान् इससे बचा ले, बस कुछ दिन और, फिर तो २-३ महीने में अपने होनहार डॉक्टर लोग इसकी दवा बना ही लेंगे।

अगर थोडी देर के लिए इंसान भूल भी जाये कि ऐसा कुछ हवा में चल रहा है, तो हर १०-१५ मिनट में एक मेल आ जाती है कि भैया इतने इत्मिनान से काहे बैठे हो, थोडा डर बनाये रखो चेहरे पर - जाके हाथ धो कर आओ, खबरदार! अपने आँख-नाक को हाथ मत लगाओ, खुजली करनी है तो हाथ से नहीं, बाजू से करो।

पर सब बीमारी का एक घूम-फिर कर एक ही इलाज दिखाई दे रहा है - अच्छा भोजन और अच्छी सेहत। जहाँ भी पढता हूँ, प्रोटीन खाओ, बी-१२ खाओ, खूब पानी पीओ, व्यायाम करो। एक्स्ट्रा ये है, कि सफाई बरतो, सार्वजनिक स्थलों पर कम से कम जाओ, ट्रैवेल कम करो।

After all, "Precaution is better than cure..." बचाव में ही सुरक्षा है। बाकी ये किसे पता है कि कब चाँद कि तरफ पैर हो जायें? मैं भी बस यही मना रहा हूँ कि सही सलामत बंगलोर पहुँच जाऊँ फिर आगे वहां से लिखूंगा। पर ये भी कहाँ लिखा है कि बंगलोर बचा रहेगा। बंगलोर वाले मुझे बोल रहे हैं कि हम तुझे यहाँ घुसने ही नहीं देंगे। :(

हैल्थ मिनिस्ट्री का लिंक:

http://mohfw.nic.in/SWINEFLU.htm

http://nicd.nic.in/Tdr_CDA_Swine.pdf

आज कल राम गोपाल वर्मा की बॉलीवुड में काफ़ी हवा है - लोगों की फूँक निकाल कर रख दी है। ऐसी ऐसी फिल्में बना रहे हैं कि लोगों को सोचने का पूरा पूरा मौका मिल रहा है। फ़िल्म देखने से पहले लोग सोचते हैं - "देखें या नहीं?", फ़िल्म देखने के बाद लोग सोचते हैं - "ये मैंने क्या किया?"

आप सोच रहे होंगे की मेरी नज़र राम गोपाल वर्मा पर ही क्यों अटकी? दरअसल ये एक ही ऐसा महामानव है जो हर साल ढेरों फ़िल्म बनता है और फिल्मों का स्तर तो माशाल्लाह गिरता ही जा रहा है। मैं सोच रहा था कि जिस रफ़्तार से वर्मा जी लगे हुए हैं, और जिस जिस तरह की फिल्में वो बना रहे हैं, भविष्य क्या होगा? गौर करने की बात ये कि इनकी हर अगली फ़िल्म पिछली फ़िल्म से बुरी होती है।

आइये रामू जी की कुछ पुरानी, नई और आने वाली फिल्मों पर एक नज़र डालते हैं:

=> सरकार
===> सरकार राज
=====> सरकारी अनाज
('सरकार' बहुत ही बढ़िया फ़िल्म थी, 'सरकार राज' ठीक ठाक, अब इस कड़ी को यहाँ रोक देना चाहिए नहीं तो 'सरकारी अनाज', 'हमारा बजाज' या ... )

=> नाच
===> निशब्द
=====> नहीं हुई हद
(...शब्द ही नहीं हैं...)

=> डरना मना है
===> डरना ज़रूरी है
=====> डरना मजबूरी है
(जब डरना मना था, तब लोग डरे जब डरना ज़रूरी हुआ, तो लोग हँसे)

=> राम गोपाल वर्मा की आग
===> राम गोपाल वर्मा की फूँक
=====> राम गोपाल वर्मा की थूँक
(पहले आग लगाई, फिर फूँक से उसे बुझाने की कोशिश, नहीं बुझी तो अब थूँक ही बचता है जी)

राम राम! ये रामू जी किस प्रकार की फिल्मों की और बढ़ रहे हैं... कुछ समझ नहीं आ रहा है! रंगीला, सत्य, भूत, कंपनी जैसी उच्च कोटि की फिल्में बनाने वाले रामू कुछ मूड में नहीं लग रहे हैं ।

वैसे और भी कुछ अच्छी फिल्मों की मिट्टी पलीद होती नज़र आ रही है:

=> डॉन
===> डॉन टू
=====> कौन तू

=> मुग़ल-ऐ-आज़म
===> मान गए मुग़ल-ऐ-आज़म
=====> भाग लिए मुग़ल-ऐ-आज़म
(मधुबाला नहीं मना पाई मुग़ल-ऐ-आज़म को, मल्लिका शेरावत को बुलाना पड़ा, राखी सावंत आएँगी तो?)

=> कोई मिल गया
===> ककक्रिश
=====> कककककिशमिश
('क' की संख्या पर कोई लगाम लगाओ भाई ... )

'दौड़' बनी तो 'रेस' बनी, 'रन' बनी तो 'भागम-भाग' भी बनी, अब बारी है, 'जम्प' और 'उछल-कूद' की।

'टशन' आई, 'फैशन' आई, तो 'टेंशन' लाओ, 'पेंशन' लाओ - बूढे लोगों को भी देखने में मज़ा आए।

मैं यहीं ब्रेक लगता हूँ... ये लिस्ट तो बहुत लम्बी जा रही है।

डिस्क्लेमर (तथ्य): खाली बैठे व्यक्ति के दिमाग में कुछ भी आ सकता है, जैसे मेरे दिमाग में आया :)

ज़ी न्यूज़ पर प्रसारित एक कार्यक्रम की टैग लाइन है ये.

क्या आपको कुछ साल पहले दूरदर्शन के किसी भी न्यूज़ रीडर की शक्ल याद है? शायद नहीं, लेकिन इतना ज़रूर याद होगा कि समाचार बोलते वक्त उनके चेहरे पर कोई भाव नहीं होते थे. आज देखिये, खबरों में कितने भाव, कितना मसाला, कितना ग्लामौर आ गया है.

ये भारतीय मीडिया को हो क्या गया है? हिन्दी समाचार चैनल तो सारी हदें पार कर चुके हैं. कुछ दिन पहले वैभव ने कुछ ब्रेकिंग न्यूज़ पेश की थी. पढ़ कर बहुत हँसा था. आज एक और ब्रेकिंग न्यूज़ मिली है. ज़रा गौर फरमाएं:

ये तो महज़ एक नमूना है. आप प्रतिदिन अपने इन समाचार चैनलों पर सास-बहु सीरियल भी देख सकते हैं.कितनी मेहनत करते होंगे हमारे हिन्दी न्यूज़ चैनल वाले इस तरह खबरें इकठ्ठा करने में. हैरत तो इस बात की है कि इतनी बड़ी दुनिया है, जहाँ हर समय कुछ न कुछ घटता रहता है, कुछ ऐसा जिसकी ओर जनता का ध्यान खींचना आवश्यक है, उन सब में से ये मिलता है दर्शकों के लिए.

I like these and am sure you will enjoy too:

• Comedian Ron White's philosophy on life is simple: "I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find someone whose life gives them vodka, and then have a party."

• Don't tell your problems to people: 80% don't care and the other 20% are glad that you have them.

Nice na!

I am new to Pune city. As a daily routine, I catch a bus from my company to my place and I don't know much about the areas I cross on the way. The normal timings are: I get on to the bus at 6 PM and get off at around 7:30. What happened yesterday is - A road construction had just begun in "Kondhwa" area. We were almost in the middle of the route when we diverted from the normal route from this junction where the traffic policeman was guiding the traffic away from Kondhwa. We were on a completely new route now. And in the last 2 months, I had never seen so much traffic and such a big traffic jam in Pune. The roads are wide enough, clean enough and the traffic is decent. But now I was in a completely different Pune. Our bus started circling the city. After struggling for around one hour on a completely novel route, we entered the city via one of the holes (entrant road). I was feeling good that at least we are into the main city now but I was oblivious as to which part of the city I was in. Still I was constantly looking out of the window and noting down the areas I was crossing. Then it striked me, "What if the bus is very close to my place?" The thought was enough to bring a grin on my face. It was 8 PM when the bus stopped at one of the red lights. I don't know, but my sixth sense made me to get down from the bus. And here I am, I don't know where? I asked a couple on scooter - "Which way to take to go to AFMC". The response - "Sorry, we are new to this place". Oh! like me? And I started moving intutively in one of the directions. Phone rings. Some unknown number. I received, "Hello". A girl voice on the other side.

Girl: Hello, I am calling from Idea customer care. May I speak to Mr. Praveen Rathee.
PR: Yes, I am speaking.

Girl: Hello Sir, I wanted to confirm your phone number. Is it 99******44?
PR (Surprised at the question, What kind of question is this, didn't she just dial the same?): I hope you dialled this number. So, that's right.

Girl: Thank you sir.
(A small pause - about 2 seconds)
Girl: Sir, may I have two minutes of your precious time?
I thought, "Of course, my time is helluva precious at this moment. I am somewhere in the middle of a road and don't know which way to go.".
PR: Yes, tell me?

Girl: Sir, I wanted to take you through the...
PR (interrupting, realizing that it is something that is going to take long): Actually, I am lost in the city (I am laughing).

Girl (amazed voice): Lost in the city?
PR: Yes, I am new to this city and right now I am somewhere struggling to find my way back home.

Girl (a feeling of guilt): Oh! I am sorry sir. May I call you sometime later?
PR: Sure, you can call me tomorrow morning. (tiny pause) Wait a second... Hello... You there?

Girl: Yes sir.
PR: Can you please guide me through my way? (I didn't wait for her response) See I have just crossed this area ... (thinking very hard) ... "Bibwewadi" and my bus was going towards "Kondhwa"; I got down and now I am standing on a red light. And I have to go to AFMC. Can you please let me know which way to take?

(All this time I continued walking)

Girl: Sir, can you please tell me any landmark around you? Just to know which red light you are on.
PR: Actually I am walking. And there is this "GREEN Hotel" to my right and "Electric Substation" to the left.

Girl: Sir, I guess you are close to AFMC. Can't you see any signboard nearby? It would be easier.
(I am walking faster now taking long strides... Brisk walk)
PR: No. Right now I can't see any signboard.

Girl: If the "Electric Substation" is to your left, you just keep walking straight on this road. You are already into the cantonment area.
PR (gazing far ahead through the dark, getting on toes): Mmmm... I can see a board. Can you please hold on for a sec? I am getting closer to that.

Girl: Sure Sir.
(Pause... And to my extreme happiness, The board read: "पुणे छावनी - Pune Cantonment")
PR: You are right, I am in the military area. But are you sure I have to keep walking straight.

Girl: Sir, you just don't leave this road and you'll get AFMC to your left.
(I am running now and a few steps ahead I see a colony - Netaji Nagar)
PR: Thank you madam. I am in front of Netaji Nagar and I very well know the way from here. Thanks a lot.

Girl: Welcome sir. (Laughs) I hope you really know the route now.
PR: Yes. I do. I have been to this place some time back.

Girl: OK sir. Take care. Bye.
PR: Yeah. Thanks again. BBye.

I knew that region because Papa took me through this area around a month ago as a part of morning walk. I just couldn't figure it out because it was dark. It was 15 minutes of walk. I was home at 8:15 PM. Took bath, had dinner, brushed my teeth and slept. No post dinner walk as I had enough a lttle while ago :)
Today morning when I asked other passengers, what time did they reach? I found that I was the earliest, most of them entered their respective houses after 8:45. I was feeling proud of my decision of getting down the bus (I deserved a pat on the back). I was even happier that I got down at the nearest possible point to AFMC. Great timing! I didn't have to do any auto, or any bus, public transport etc. :) We can call it LUCK.
The mistake I made was I didn't ask my bus driver before getting down.
But that was fun. Idea cellular service providers guiding their customers through Pune roads. What an Idea!

As per the records/beliefs, there are 330 million Gods/Goddesses (deities) in Hindu Religion and surprisingly enough, I am pretty very much sure that I don't believe in even a single of these.

I have had many arguments with many of my friends on this topic and I am happy that none has ever convinced me enough that I change my belief. Everytime I enter into a discussion on this subject, I am taken through some COMMON questions and I believe I had answers of all those(though I believe some of these indeed very silly):

Q: How do you justify your existence?

PR: That is purely a biological phenomenon. Do you want me to explain?

Q: Then where did the first person come from?

PR: It is said that "Apes are our ancestors". Thats again biological. They gradually adapted themselves to the atmospheric changes like temperature and the availability of food. And got transformed to the so called humans.

Q: OK, lets come to the first living being?

PR: So, you are now getting into the "Theory of Evolution". Life arose spontaneously out of the inert chemicals of Earth some 4 billion years ago. Its all about atoms, cells, energy and forces.

Q: And what about before creation of universe?

PR: Do you think God existed before that too? By the way, here I think that where did this GOD come from? Who was the first God, if there are so many?

Q: There is something that makes the world go round. What's that?

PR: That's again scientific. The forces - and can you believe, the weakest force - gravitational force.

Q: There is a supreme power that governs the motion of all the things in universe. That's God.

PR: No dear, again the forces. As per my latest knowledge, its the "Dark Energy" that is responsible for the exponential expansion of universe.

Q: What is your inner self?

PR: Physically my inner self is bones, blood, tissues, cells and a mechanism that keeps me going. And emotionally its my character, my traits, my attitude. Another point, I don't believe in "SOUL", "SPIRIT" etc. :) Ofcourse, my conscience is my guide but that again constitutes my thoughts, my ideas and my moral and ethical sense (which I get from my parents and the environment I am brought up in).

Now, I want to ask a question: Who/What is God and why should I believe in him/her/it? I got varying answers from all but none of those was a concrete one. As per Wiki, "There is no universally accepted definition of God and since God is neither an entity in the universe nor a mathematical object, it is not obvious what kinds of arguments/proofs are relevant to God's existence".

I was going through the excerpts of Salman Rushdie's book - "His fictitious beloved" and found a wonderful answer for the believers of the deity, God. The following conversation between emperor Akbar and his genius minister Birbal gives me another reason to strengthen my belief (disbelief actually):

‘If you were an atheist, Birbal,’ the emperor challenged his first minister, ‘what would you say to the true believers of all the great religions of the world?’ Birbal was a devout Brahmin from Trivikrampur, but he answered unhesitatingly, ‘I would say to them that in my opinion they were all atheists as well; I merely believe in one god less than each of them.’
‘How so?’ the emperor asked. ‘All true believers have good reasons for disbelieving in every god except their own,’ said Birbal, ‘and so it is they who, between them, give me all the reasons for believing in none.’

Hats off to this innate genius. I am a Birbal fan you see and have always admired his quick and witty responses. I have been reading "Birbal tales" since childhood and have enjoyed them a lot. After the serious and a touching (for some) talk on God, let me take you through another Birbal wit from the same book:

"A great linguist was waiting at Akbar’s court, a visitor from a distant Western land: a Jesuit priest who could converse and dispute fluently in dozens of languages. He challenged the emperor to discover his native language. While the emperor was pondering the riddle, his first minister circled the priest and all of a sudden kicked him violently in the backside.
The priest let out a series of oaths—not in Portuguese, but in Italian. ‘You observe, Jahanpanah,’ said Birbal, ‘that when it’s time to unleash a few insults, a man will always choose his mother tongue.’"

He he .. the guy was brilliant, I must say.

After saying all this, I still confess that I do remember (pray to) god at times - hard times, may be when I find myself helpless amidst tough situations. And I consider this very silly and superstitious of myself and surely this again is the impact of the surroundings where I live, the people around me and the environment that I am brought up in.

Another confession here: Though I don't believe in God, I actually enjoy visiting churches, temples, mosques, synagogues and gurudwaras very much. And sadly enough, I try to avoid temples from this list because I find them really noisy. I feel utter peace at churches, mosques. Needless to say, temples are far too ornate and noisy with so many bells around. I went Vaishno Devi a few years back and all the way in that gallery there are bells hanging from the ceiling. And people keep striking them like insane. The sound hammers the ears. Not at all harmonious. Still I feel, at least there is something that keeps these people occupied and there is someone they fear. Though people fear GOD, I find their GOD incapable to mend their ways. They keep worshipping and carry on with their vicious and inhuman acts. No divine force is able to stop them. Oh GOD, please bring them on track. Sorry to seek help from God again :)

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are completely my personal views, not to raise any controversy or start any argument ;)

The basic idea is: I don't think we need to be religious to be good human beings and responsible citizens . Thers is no connection at all.